5am thoughts.,,

I'm up really early this morning...5am. That's crazy early in this house. I didn't sleep well last night, tossing and turning. I think I just had a little too much wonderful "me" time with my 2 bestest girlfriends yesterday. I feel a little guilty! Note to self: Do more of that so that you don't feel guilty about it.

One of my New Year's resolutions is to carve out some time on a regular basis to do things for myself. I love my husband and my children, but I need to love myself too. That's hard to type out. It looks and sounds so selfish, and I suppose it is, but taking care of my own needs is equally as important as taking care of my family. Yet, I have not been giving myself equal attention.

I used to be pretty good at making myself more of a priority. God allowed a season in my life when there was balanced between work, home, children, husband and me. It was a lot easier when we only had one child. However, now that we have three, I have found it difficult to find time to even think about what I might want to do IF/WHEN I am able to carve out some time. I've lost some perspective.

I should preface this by saying that my husband and I prayerfully made a choice when we had children to have me quit my job and stay at home. After one full year at home, I took a part-time job and have worked a variety of part-time jobs ever since, that were flexible enough for me to feel like I was still a sahm, but also allowed me to bring in a little income and get a little grown up time. None of these jobs were particularly fulfilling, but that was ok because my fulfillment came from being a good mom and wife, not from any job.

Somewhere along the way, I started giving up more of things that I would do that were just for me in order to make time to do things that were for the kids. That's not a bad thing, as parents that's what we do, right? We are parents, after all. That means we give up a little of our own stuff to allow for our children to have opportunities and time with us. However, that can be a slippery slope. It's important to maintain a healthy balance, and in my case, I don't have that anymore.

I know that there are seasons in life. I accept and understand that this season of life has been one of me taking care of others. And up until recently, it has been very fulfilling. I felt that I was right where God wanted me to be. However, now that my children are a little older, I feel like God is allowing me some time to start to work on myself again. Just a little bit. Refocus. Clear my head. Bring a little variety to my life. There is probably a much bigger picture here that I am missing that only He can see, but for now, it's enough to know that it's time for mommy to do something for mommy.

As moms, our lives often are exciting due to the many adventures we go on with our kids. At the same time, our lives are mundane due to the regular schedule of events that inevitably occur when you have children. Each day is more or less the same as the one before, and it all has to do with our children, and their activities. None of that is a bad thing. It's just that...I want more. I need more variety. I want something that is just mine. Something that is fun, challenging and creatively stimulating. Something, that will enrich my life, and therefore make me more of a blessing to my family.

So, I guess that might be why I didn't sleep well last night. I got a little reminder yesterday from my bestest girlfriends, that there is life outside of my family bubble. I realized that God has brought me and my family to a place where I can leave my bubble and return without it popping. Now I just need to practice not feeling so guilty about it!

Blessings,
Kim